HOWZZAT ???

I’m very grateful to Cricket Australia Chief Executive James Sutherland. He is a bright guy and I suspect he’s on my side. Just the other day he said, defending the Australian aggression on field: “The team are not perfect but get it right a lot more than they used to. It’s Test cricket, not tiddly winks.”

Tiddly winks of course ! He’s hinting that those lesser players who can’t stand some on field aggression (not to be confused with calling each other a monkey, though) should play tiddly winks. Therefore I’m guessing he’s hinting at the Indian team minus Bhajji ofcourse, plus Andrew Symonds ( who, to his credit has said, without mincing words, “I am no monkey man”. Good on you, mate !). By the way, I digress here but Bhajji apparently had promised Symonds he would not use the word monkey. Ever again. So I’m guessing in a few years when this bhajji boy is married with kids, on a trip to the zoo, he will point out the simian and say to lil bhajjis: “Look, so many andrews ! Can you say an-dr-ews?”

So back to tiddlywinks. It’s a very passive game. A true gentlemen’s game. It’s not some word Sutherland came up with. It’s also a game that the brits invented. Like cricket. So you won’t lose the colonial touch. And they’re very professional – anthem and all.

Other nations are before us
With their Sputniks and Explorers
What can confidence restore us?
Naught but tiddlywinks.
On the fields of Eton,
Former foes were beaten.
But today all patriots play
This sport which needs such grit and concentration.
Through this game of skill and power
England knows her finest hour,
And her stronghold, shield and tower
Must be tiddlywinks.

Instead of sledging, you guys could sing this song. No abusing. No monkeying around. Just a nice simple board game with a definite winner in the end and everyone’s happy.

Mr Sutherland has shown you the way. Take it. Well, if you’re not going to take it cos frankly I don’t think tiddlywinkers do endorsements – then here’s an anthem song you could sing at the Waca: (to the tune of Another Brick in the Wall. Maybe Dravid should sing it)

It’s a nice simple song. You guys can learn it real fast instead of pumping it up at Bondi beach.

Or else, play tiddlywinks. A much more respectable game. So, howzzzat ??

SIMIAN’D

I was so excited. I thought I’d finally, in my own small way, helped bring down the game. The tour was off ! But now I hear it’s on again. Though I’m praying and hoping it’s off. Cos then I can plan a proper weekend with my other half instead of him vegitating on the couch as India loses yet again.

And in all this furore, I’m gathering someone has called someone a “monkey”. Now, that IS NOT ON ! You can say what you want about mothers, sisters, wives but you DON’T SAY SHIT ABOUT MONKEYS, ok ? I love animals.

So here’s the deal.

How’s a monkey to protest this ? Just cos they’re mute witnesses, you cannot go about calling any tom, dick n roy a monkey. I get the argument tho. Sure this cricketer has a problem or passion or pet peeve about backsides. But it takes a lot more than that to be labelled a monkey. Monkeys are worshipped in India. Art from Peru often depicts monkeys. They’re a sacred lot.

But I digress. So, about this tour. Please call it off. From what cricketing history tells me, what with being called potato, to throwing jelly beans, to being called monkeys – is it worth all this ? Guys, go home. Pursue a better career where you don’t get called names. Do something more mature where a watching audience isn’t excited enough to do this:

Still more animals ?!

This is a question to all you cricket lovers out there – is cricket still really a gentlemen’s game? I always suspected it had it’s roots in zoology and my theory is just getting stronger.

As I have taken a long time to write this, all I want to know is, at the end of my 2 hr session, is the tour still on ? Is harbhajan singh going home? Has he been banned? If not, he should be. Because any animal rights activist will tell you – and it’s common knowledge – that you can’t just call anyone a “monkey”. Scientifically, there are classifications. For instance, calling “apes” monkeys is incorrect. Calling either a simian is correct. Get your facts right. All these allegations have been made against you, Mr Singh, by the Australians despite the fact that no one heard it. Now this is what I call uncanny – because – again bringing the parallel to the animal world – An Owl’s range of audible sounds is not unlike that of humans, but an Owl’s hearing is much more acute at certain frequencies enabling it to hear even the slightest movement of their prey in leaves or undergrowth.

Just thought all you cricket crazies would want to know.

BUCKling down under !

 There’s very little I know of cricket. I’ve only heard what my other half has constantly said – it’s a great game, a passionate game. And friendly commentator, Kartikeya has so kindly informed me “Cricket is possibly the only sport in the world which is able to conclude a contest with an “inconclusive” result without making any suggestion that both sides were equal at the end (i. e. without it being reflected in the scoreline)”.

So I decide to get to know it better. And the one day I decide to sit and watch the game with my other half, happens to be the most sensational in the history of the game. Or so my other half opines. I’m watching. A lot of Indian cricketers seem to be getting out. There’s a lot of dancing and prancing amongst the Australians. This is good. I like happy people. And apparently the cause of all this good cheer is a Mr Bucknor. Had I seen him in a mall somewhere, I wouldn’t have normally credited him with the power or aura to generate so much happiness.

But wait. Something’s wrong. My other half is pissed as hell. He’s making several calls and I’m guessing the guys at the other end are swearing as well. Mr Gavaskar’s very upset too. So is Harsha Bhogle. And now apparently Anil Kumble is upset and saying the Australians have no sporting spirit. And someone on TV keeps calling the harbinger of good news, “the men in white coats”. A friend of my other half calls it the worst day of his life.

My interest in Mr Bucknor is now for real. I google him. Apparently he’s known for his bad umpiring against India. Indians have been baying for his blood regularly. And yesterday he managed to ruffle a million feathers all over again.

So let me get this right. There are all these cricketers who get paid millions for playing this strange game. And there are a million or so dedicated viewers who watch it. And behind every ball bowled and bat swung, there’s a coach, a manager, a physio, personal trainers, meditation gurus, the works. And all it takes is this ole Jamaican to get it all to a grinding halt ????

I like this guy. I vote he stays on and umpires the Perth test too. At this rate,my other half will sign off the game. Because obviously if cricketers can’t touch the guy, there’s precious little my other half can do !

Mr Bucknor, if you’re reading, this is an open invitation.

I know people are giving you the hammer as I write. But I’m with you. I understand. You’re standing all day watching this boring game. You’ve put in your time. Obviously anybody would have been in a hurry to get the day going. You know what ? You can be my wingman ANY TIME !

THE SMART CRICKETER

I’m impressed. I thought the specimen of cricketer was a bit of a dullard, given the sport they play. But I’m wrong. It turns out now that some of them are quite smart. They’ve known all along that there’s only this far this sport can take you.

Yesterday I found out that Mathew Hayden has written a cook book. Not one but two. Shoaib Akhtar’s entering Bollywood. He’s also singing some random songs in a reality show in India. Brett Lee once sang with Asha Bhonsle but it was unfortunately a failed attempt so he’s gone back to being an express bowler. But to play safe, he’s still part of a band Six & Out. And he’s got his own fashion label !

Tendulkar has 2 restaurants. He’s also part of a company that makes health and sports fitness products. And now apparently, he’s going to feature as a super hero in a comic series.

And then ofcourse there are the various endorsements all these cricketers do. Sometimes I wonder if they endorse to play cricket or play cricket to endorse. That sentence is a bit tricky.

Whether it’s for hair care, shaving creams, razor blades, colas, clothes, shoes, engine fuel – they’re everywhere. And it’s a known fact that cricketers earn more money from endorsements than they do from the sport. So…really…they do play the game so that they’re endorsement worthy. Interesting.

Now the nay sayers will argue that other athletes like Tiger Woods and Schumi and Beckham endorse products too. But the world out there waits before signing them on. They have to prove their mettle before being invited to sing songs or model for hair gels. They’re involved in their sport more and less in modelling. It doesn’t effect their performance on the track or field. It takes a lot of hard core driving before a Raikkonen gets Tag Heuer. A lot more than just a few outstanding demo laps.

CRAZY, DAFT, DOTTY, DAFFY, DHONI, GAGA, GANGULY, LOONY, YUVI…

I’m in the country where cricket isn’t a religion; it’s an unholy passion. Channel surfing on television is a nightmare. They explore every angle of a cricket match. Including a minute by minute analysis. It’s not like a lap by lap record you get of a race on the net. It goes something like: ‘At 1:30 pm, Yuvraj came to the crease”…”At 2:16 pm, he hit shoaib off a beamer” blah blah …”At 2:18, Yuvraj has scored his 50″…”At 4:33 pm, Yuvraj waved to the crowds as he scored his century”…”At 4:47, he has secured his place for the tour of Australia”…….!

Do I need this ? Away from this country, secure in a non cricketing world, I thought I had it bad when my other half watched cricket on telly. But in India, it’s crazy. You cannot escape the lunacy. A paper’s front page carried a photograph of Mr Ganguly aka the Maharaj aka Prince of Calcutta aka Dada aka Bengal Tiger aka Chappell’s nemesis packing his bags !! And it showed his mother helping him pack.

Why ? Why ? Why ? Next they would have carried the contents of every cricketers bags. I jest not. And the cricket maniacs lap it all up.

I can understand if the team plays really well and has a schumi like brilliance about it. And now they’re off to get beaten royally by the aussies.

Need I say more ?

Come on guys. Karthikeyan just won the A-1 grand prix in China. See? A real sport. Real guys. Not “boys”. But men.

It’s different.

LETTER from a concerned anti cricketer to the new guru

Dear Gary Ji,

So you have finally decided to come to India. You did so many tours of India – wasn’t that enough ? Or are you trying to get into the essence of things ? Cos if you are, heh heh, welcome to the big bad world.

Do you guys never learn ? Didn’t your mater tell you – “Gary pumpkin, learn from the mistakes of others” ??? Obviously you were too busy knocking around a ball to have heard her clearly. Have you not heard of Greg Chappell ? Or of John Wright ? So what is it ? Come on, spill the beans… Academy not doing too well ? You want to bring out a video or write a book ?

I don’t know anything of cricket. But I can spot trouble when I see it. Just the other day, Gary ji, I heard my other half and a friend discussing the demerits of appointing you coach. The would be commentators are already commenting on you and declaring you a failure. The xenophobic masses are screaming for an Indian coach…tho between you and me, it’s only so they know where he lives and when India fails, they can set fire to his house immediately. In your case, finding south african counterparts for the job will be a trifle difficult.

So are you ready to take the blame ? Are you, as your predecessors were, ready to bellow out a call for Ganguly to retire and then be locked in a battle that sees you resigning and writing a book ? It’s a no win situation. But on the flip side, evey Indian will now know you. Don’t know which flip side it is…but I speculate not. I merely present facts as I see it.

Before you come, here’s what you pack, apart from the usual clothes, tooth brushes, floss etc:

1. An open return ticket

2. A diary. Record your thoughts, diatribes every day. That’s what’ll add to your portfolio when you return.

3. Indian Summers: John Wright

4. A few ready quotes on the Indian selectors

5. Your lap top. It looks so cool to see the coach staring at a lap top while the team plays. It gives you an edge. The opposing team gets tense. Who cares if you’re playing solitaire ?

6. Your calm temperament, which your brother claims you have.

As i press publish, I can’t think of much more. If I do, I will add to this list. I will be away from this computer for a few days but when I’m back, I’ll definitely have more things for you. Don’t pack just yet.

Do your yoga in the meanwhile.

After all, as the media reports: Indian cricket is a pressure-cooker world, and the South African can expect to have his performance analysed by the country’s cricket-obsessed media with all the scrutiny of a nit nurse with a fine-toothed comb.It’s all here

Meditate. Or wait – better still, take up a new sport. Golf is very popular with ex cricketers. Try that. Try something. You’re going to need it.

Warm Regards,

The anti cricketer

CRICKET CRACKPOT : THE SAGA CONTINUES

 

 

This is just prior to the World Cup… For more pics, check here.

India went on to lose to Bangladesh…and then to Sri Lanka. But we won against Bermuda !! No easy task that.

But this cricket fanatic. he knew a thing or too. He knew that once India lost, he wouldn’t have to go about looking for posters of the other pin up posers. All he’d need to do is dismantle this wonderful kite and set it on fire. The mercurial temperament of the Indian cricket fan !!!

And yet another long drawn out match ends in a, well – draw!  Imagine the hours wasted watching this frivolous sport only to have it end so lamely. I do not see the point of this. My other half spent the entire weekend glued to the TV and he can still speak of the outcome in even tones !

And Gary Kirsten is made coach of India. So now there’s yet another sucker for the job. Yet another guy who’ll have to face the music. I’m not surprised he says this is going to be one of his most challenging jobs ever. You’re coaching an average team run by a group of flakes supported by millions of lunatics and underwritten by several well meaning but deluded companies. Whew ! What a task. So in another two years, can we expect a Guru Gary video ???

THE CRICKET CRACKPOT

The cricket enthusiast would travel any distance to watch a match-nothing could keep him from the game he loved.

One day, a friend met him and said, ‘You’re looking a bit down.’ ‘The wife said she’s s going to divorce me.’

‘What grounds?’

‘Oh, Headingly, Edgbaston, Lords . . .

So, life goes on. The next match is on and I’m as irritated as I was when this whole saga started. First the Aussies came n played in India and then before you could recover, the pakistanis arrived and now there’s more cricket. When they’re not showing a live match, the channels play dirty and show some old match where India won by…who cares ???^^$^*()*#@. Why dig up the past? Isn’t it bad enough that this nightmare continues without shoving our noses into the bygones?

I’ve been reading some cricketing blogs. It’s incredible. These guys obviously have an alternate life which renders them sane for the most part. But one match – that’s all it needs – one godawfullongdrawnoutnoendinsight match and they begin jabbing at their keyboards, passion stirred and ready to duel. And each has an opinion.

Some excerpts:

At the moment, India is just having it too easy….Kumble will be happy that a wicket fell late last night; he’ll be even happier if the remaining four… I still fancy our chances against Sri Lanka. Sure, the Lankans have had a…i speculated that Anil Kumble’s handling of Harbhajan Singh would be crucial, and that the Pakistan batsmen would take an aggressive approach against Harbhajan….Malinga has a hair style that makes Nathan Bracken look straight…Twenty20 is NOT the real deal. In all of Dhoni’s success are a number of gambles. And as he’ll find out…

So wait. There are cricketers. Umpires. Commentators. Cricket Fans. And now keyboard krazies who analyse, dissect, evaluate, scrutinize the game and every move of every cricketer on that ground. I’m yet to understand the passion this game arouses. A passion that has grown men give up everything and sit transfixed in front of the television while one guy knocks around a ball for almost half a day before the scoreboard crawls to the next number.

When will realisation dawn? When will these overpaid gagsters start playing some nicer, shorter, quicker game?

And now to top it all, I saw this…it’s old news but haunting nevertheless. Now if he’d been a simple F1 fan, he wud have made a car that looked like a car !

 

Check out this Cricket Worldcup fever.

A cricket fan in Andhra Pradesh has built a car shaped like a cricket bat to support India in the World Cup to be played this month.

“It took six months and Rs 70,000 ($1,580) to make the car from scrap metal and used engines,” 45-year-old Sudhakar Yadav said.

The car can run at a speed of 60 km per hour.

(From here)

Help !!!!

LAUGH FOR THE DAY…and the day after…

Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground. ‘Thank goodness they got rid of it,’ she sighed. ‘Now we can all go home.’ :))))

This site has some very funny cricket jokes. Wish they’d move on to cricketers too.

I DIDN’T SAY THIS….

Australian actor-writer-producer Brendan Cowell is heading for India Sunday to make a feature film about the funny side of cricket.The star of the new Australian film `Noise’, Cowell told IANS, ‘It’s going to be funny because it’s guys, cricket and India. Cricket is funny. Its chubby men in white pants standing around all fascinated over a hard red sphere, all day long..

He goes on to add that he has played this game since he was 5…well, cricket is australia’s national game so I guess the poor man had no choice. A chequered childhood !

When will men grow up ?

Homer (a fellow blogger, -not the greek author or overweight Simpson) comments, “cricket is life…Everything else is mere detail”.. Yours is a hard life, I see. Me? I thrive on details.

My other half is, as you have all guessed, crazy about the game. When the doctor said that our child would have to be taken out by C Section on 11th April due to certain complications (see, I thrive on details!), my husband piped up and actually asked the doctor if it could wait till 24th April, so our child’s birth would coincide with HH Sachin tendulkar’s birth date ! Fortunately we live in a first world advanced country where cricket is unknown, so the doctor was wise enough to shrug off the &*%$#@ suggestion.

Really, when will men grow up ???

Robin Williams expounded “cricket is basically baseball on valium”.

Valium isn’t a good drug of choice. Wiki says: Diazepam(Valium) can cause physical dependence, addiction … Withdrawal from diazepam often leads to withdrawal symptoms which are similar to those seen during alcohol and barbiturate withdrawal.(My other half’s behaviour on non cricket days is now making sense) The higher the dose and the longer the drug is taken for the greater the risk of experiencing unpleasant withdrawal symptoms. Withdrawal symptoms can however occur from standard dosages (read: Test Matches) and also after short term use (read: One dayers). This treatment should be discontinued as soon as possible via a slow and gradual dose reduction regime. (Pay good heed, ye cricket addicts! )

And finally, my thoughts:

CRICKET IS A RELIGION…

..And I’m an atheist.

After the pitch, the game. It may seem very mundane to those seasoned watchers who have at some time in their lives, hoped to make it to their nations cricket team but now vent their unfulfilled frustrations by giving living room advice. Losers.

A few facts. (from wiki)

The first reference to cricket being played as an adult sport was in 1611, when two men in Sussex were prosecuted for playing cricket on Sunday instead of going to church. In the same year, a dictionary defines cricket as a boys’ game and this suggests that adult participation was a recent development.

Why, I ask you, is this prosecution business not continuing???? We should still have the liberty to prosecute men for playing / watching cricket on sundays.

The first ever international cricket game was between the USA and Canada in 1844. The match was played at Elysian Fields, New Jersey

That was the first time comprehension dawned on these poor folk. No wonder neither of these countries play cricket any more. Well technically I guess they do…but neither nation is besieged by a madness for the sport.

The first limited overs international match took place at Melbourne Cricket ground in 1971 as a time-filler after a Test match had been abandoned because of heavy rain on the opening days.

Now there’s the 20/20. Is it just a matter of time before it’s a one over game? Laught not, ye zealots. I live in hope.

Soccer is the worlds most popular sport

It’s over in 90 minutes, that’s why !!! And there’s an outcome. Almost always.

For more information on the game, I was told a certain Mr Sidhu would be perfect. So I checked. You truly deserve the heroes you get !!!

FROM THE BASICS…

If I need to discredit the game, I need to dissect it. So I looked up images of a pitch. And I’m fascinated that the game shares it’s name with an insect. How ingenious. Tho it’s rare that you’ll see anyone playing a beetle or 12 guys in fancy dress going out there to play termites.

So I investigated. It’s breathtaking. Maybe I am on the path of where no man has gone before. Check out the diagram. It’s a ventral view of the cricket….and I’ve done a bit of analysis and checked against the game’s pitch.

Please tell me the fortunes of nations aren’t rooted in the zoological representation of this bug.

Those of you arm chair critics reading this will have a few tiny pointers on exact location on the pitch. To that I say – just minor adjustments. But look at the big picture. It’s scary!!!

P.S: Check out the pitch. Hmmm…is that why the inventors of the game have something called The Oval??? Maybe that’s how it was supposed to be.

crickets playing cricket…

I hate the game. This blog is dedicated to all those women (and those right thinking men) who hate the game. My other half sits in front of the telly and can watch the game ball after ball, for 7-8 hrs at a stretch. Sometimes the men in white play on relentlessly for 5 days only for the match to end with a pffffthhhh. And thousands have wasted 35 hrs watching this ? My walls have more personality than this game.

All ye women out there…get to your keyboards and write out against this highly over rated game where a country’s mood swings to the fortunes on the field.

keep your eyes on this site. I’ll come back with more vitriol.