HOWZZAT ???

I’m very grateful to Cricket Australia Chief Executive James Sutherland. He is a bright guy and I suspect he’s on my side. Just the other day he said, defending the Australian aggression on field: “The team are not perfect but get it right a lot more than they used to. It’s Test cricket, not tiddly winks.”

Tiddly winks of course ! He’s hinting that those lesser players who can’t stand some on field aggression (not to be confused with calling each other a monkey, though) should play tiddly winks. Therefore I’m guessing he’s hinting at the Indian team minus Bhajji ofcourse, plus Andrew Symonds ( who, to his credit has said, without mincing words, “I am no monkey man”. Good on you, mate !). By the way, I digress here but Bhajji apparently had promised Symonds he would not use the word monkey. Ever again. So I’m guessing in a few years when this bhajji boy is married with kids, on a trip to the zoo, he will point out the simian and say to lil bhajjis: “Look, so many andrews ! Can you say an-dr-ews?”

So back to tiddlywinks. It’s a very passive game. A true gentlemen’s game. It’s not some word Sutherland came up with. It’s also a game that the brits invented. Like cricket. So you won’t lose the colonial touch. And they’re very professional – anthem and all.

Other nations are before us
With their Sputniks and Explorers
What can confidence restore us?
Naught but tiddlywinks.
On the fields of Eton,
Former foes were beaten.
But today all patriots play
This sport which needs such grit and concentration.
Through this game of skill and power
England knows her finest hour,

And her stronghold, shield and tower
Must be tiddlywinks.

Instead of sledging, you guys could sing this song. No abusing. No monkeying around. Just a nice simple board game with a definite winner in the end and everyone’s happy.

Mr Sutherland has shown you the way. Take it. Well, if you’re not going to take it cos frankly I don’t think tiddlywinkers do endorsements – then here’s an anthem song you could sing at the Waca: (to the tune of Another Brick in the Wall. Maybe Dravid should sing it)

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It’s a nice simple song. You guys can learn it real fast instead of pumping it up at Bondi beach.

Or else, play tiddlywinks. A much more respectable game. So, howzzzat ??

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SIMIAN’D

I was so excited. I thought I’d finally, in my own small way, helped bring down the game. The tour was off ! But now I hear it’s on again. Though I’m praying and hoping it’s off. Cos then I can plan a proper weekend with my other half instead of him vegitating on the couch as India loses yet again.
And in all this furore, I’m gathering someone has called someone a “monkey”. Now, that IS NOT ON ! You can say what you want about mothers, sisters, wives but you DON’T SAY SHIT ABOUT MONKEYS, ok ? I love animals.
So here’s the deal.
How’s a monkey to protest this ? Just cos they’re mute witnesses, you cannot go about calling any tom, dick n roy a monkey. I get the argument tho. Sure this cricketer has a problem or passion or pet peeve about backsides. But it takes a lot more than that to be labelled a monkey. Monkeys are worshipped in India. Art from Peru often depicts monkeys. They’re a sacred lot.
But I digress. So, about this tour. Please call it off. From what cricketing history tells me, what with being called potato, to throwing jelly beans, to being called monkeys – is it worth all this ? Guys, go home. Pursue a better career where you don’t get called names. Do something more mature where a watching audience isn’t excited enough to do this:
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Still more animals ?!
This is a question to all you cricket lovers out there – is cricket still really a gentlemen’s game? I always suspected it had it’s roots in zoology and my theory is just getting stronger.
As I have taken a long time to write this, all I want to know is, at the end of my 2 hr session, is the tour still on ? Is harbhajan singh going home? Has he been banned? If not, he should be. Because any animal rights activist will tell you – and it’s common knowledge – that you can’t just call anyone a “monkey”. Scientifically, there are classifications. For instance, calling “apes” monkeys is incorrect. Calling either a simian is correct. Get your facts right. All these allegations have been made against you, Mr Singh, by the Australians despite the fact that no one heard it. Now this is what I call uncanny – because – again bringing the parallel to the animal world – An Owl’s range of audible sounds is not unlike that of humans, but an Owl’s hearing is much more acute at certain frequencies enabling it to hear even the slightest movement of their prey in leaves or undergrowth.
Just thought all you cricket crazies would want to know.

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Filed under Animals, My other half, Steve Bucknor

BUCKling down under !

 There’s very little I know of cricket. I’ve only heard what my other half has constantly said – it’s a great game, a passionate game. And friendly commentator, Kartikeya has so kindly informed me “Cricket is possibly the only sport in the world which is able to conclude a contest with an “inconclusive” result without making any suggestion that both sides were equal at the end (i. e. without it being reflected in the scoreline)”.

So I decide to get to know it better. And the one day I decide to sit and watch the game with my other half, happens to be the most sensational in the history of the game. Or so my other half opines. I’m watching. A lot of Indian cricketers seem to be getting out. There’s a lot of dancing and prancing amongst the Australians. This is good. I like happy people. And apparently the cause of all this good cheer is a Mr Bucknor. Had I seen him in a mall somewhere, I wouldn’t have normally credited him with the power or aura to generate so much happiness.

But wait. Something’s wrong. My other half is pissed as hell. He’s making several calls and I’m guessing the guys at the other end are swearing as well. Mr Gavaskar’s very upset too. So is Harsha Bhogle. And now apparently Anil Kumble is upset and saying the Australians have no sporting spirit. And someone on TV keeps calling the harbinger of good news, “the men in white coats”. A friend of my other half calls it the worst day of his life.

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My interest in Mr Bucknor is now for real. I google him. Apparently he’s known for his bad umpiring against India. Indians have been baying for his blood regularly. And yesterday he managed to ruffle a million feathers all over again.

So let me get this right. There are all these cricketers who get paid millions for playing this strange game. And there are a million or so dedicated viewers who watch it. And behind every ball bowled and bat swung, there’s a coach, a manager, a physio, personal trainers, meditation gurus, the works. And all it takes is this ole Jamaican to get it all to a grinding halt ????

I like this guy. I vote he stays on and umpires the Perth test too. At this rate,my other half will sign off the game. Because obviously if cricketers can’t touch the guy, there’s precious little my other half can do !

Mr Bucknor, if you’re reading, this is an open invitation.

I know people are giving you the hammer as I write. But I’m with you. I understand. You’re standing all day watching this boring game. You’ve put in your time. Obviously anybody would have been in a hurry to get the day going. You know what ? You can be my wingman ANY TIME !

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THE SMART CRICKETER

I’m impressed. I thought the specimen of cricketer was a bit of a dullard, given the sport they play. But I’m wrong. It turns out now that some of them are quite smart. They’ve known all along that there’s only this far this sport can take you.

Yesterday I found out that Mathew Hayden has written a cook book. Not one but two. Shoaib Akhtar’s entering Bollywood. He’s also singing some random songs in a reality show in India. Brett Lee once sang with Asha Bhonsle but it was unfortunately a failed attempt so he’s gone back to being an express bowler. But to play safe, he’s still part of a band Six & Out. And he’s got his own fashion label !

Tendulkar has 2 restaurants. He’s also part of a company that makes health and sports fitness products. And now apparently, he’s going to feature as a super hero in a comic series.

And then ofcourse there are the various endorsements all these cricketers do. Sometimes I wonder if they endorse to play cricket or play cricket to endorse. That sentence is a bit tricky.

Whether it’s for hair care, shaving creams, razor blades, colas, clothes, shoes, engine fuel – they’re everywhere. And it’s a known fact that cricketers earn more money from endorsements than they do from the sport. So…really…they do play the game so that they’re endorsement worthy. Interesting.

Now the nay sayers will argue that other athletes like Tiger Woods and Schumi and Beckham endorse products too. But the world out there waits before signing them on. They have to prove their mettle before being invited to sing songs or model for hair gels. They’re involved in their sport more and less in modelling. It doesn’t effect their performance on the track or field. It takes a lot of hard core driving before a Raikkonen gets Tag Heuer. A lot more than just a few outstanding demo laps.

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Filed under Brett Lee, cricket, F1, Matthew Hayden, Raikkonen, Shoaib Akhtar

CRAZY, DAFT, DOTTY, DAFFY, DHONI, GAGA, GANGULY, LOONY, YUVI…

I’m in the country where cricket isn’t a religion; it’s an unholy passion. Channel surfing on television is a nightmare. They explore every angle of a cricket match. Including a minute by minute analysis. It’s not like a lap by lap record you get of a race on the net. It goes something like: ‘At 1:30 pm, Yuvraj came to the crease”…”At 2:16 pm, he hit shoaib off a beamer” blah blah …”At 2:18, Yuvraj has scored his 50″…”At 4:33 pm, Yuvraj waved to the crowds as he scored his century”…”At 4:47, he has secured his place for the tour of Australia”…….!

Do I need this ? Away from this country, secure in a non cricketing world, I thought I had it bad when my other half watched cricket on telly. But in India, it’s crazy. You cannot escape the lunacy. A paper’s front page carried a photograph of Mr Ganguly aka the Maharaj aka Prince of Calcutta aka Dada aka Bengal Tiger aka Chappell’s nemesis packing his bags !! And it showed his mother helping him pack.

Why ? Why ? Why ? Next they would have carried the contents of every cricketers bags. I jest not. And the cricket maniacs lap it all up.

I can understand if the team plays really well and has a schumi like brilliance about it. And now they’re off to get beaten royally by the aussies.

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Need I say more ?

Come on guys. Karthikeyan just won the A-1 grand prix in China. See? A real sport. Real guys. Not “boys”. But men.

It’s different.

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Filed under My other half, Schumi, women against cricket, Yuvraj

LETTER from a concerned anti cricketer to the new guru

Dear Gary Ji,

So you have finally decided to come to India. You did so many tours of India – wasn’t that enough ? Or are you trying to get into the essence of things ? Cos if you are, heh heh, welcome to the big bad world.

Do you guys never learn ? Didn’t your mater tell you – “Gary pumpkin, learn from the mistakes of others” ??? Obviously you were too busy knocking around a ball to have heard her clearly. Have you not heard of Greg Chappell ? Or of John Wright ? So what is it ? Come on, spill the beans… Academy not doing too well ? You want to bring out a video or write a book ?

I don’t know anything of cricket. But I can spot trouble when I see it. Just the other day, Gary ji, I heard my other half and a friend discussing the demerits of appointing you coach. The would be commentators are already commenting on you and declaring you a failure. The xenophobic masses are screaming for an Indian coach…tho between you and me, it’s only so they know where he lives and when India fails, they can set fire to his house immediately. In your case, finding south african counterparts for the job will be a trifle difficult.

So are you ready to take the blame ? Are you, as your predecessors were, ready to bellow out a call for Ganguly to retire and then be locked in a battle that sees you resigning and writing a book ? It’s a no win situation. But on the flip side, evey Indian will now know you. Don’t know which flip side it is…but I speculate not. I merely present facts as I see it.

Before you come, here’s what you pack, apart from the usual clothes, tooth brushes, floss etc:

1. An open return ticket

2. A diary. Record your thoughts, diatribes every day. That’s what’ll add to your portfolio when you return.

3. Indian Summers: John Wright

4. A few ready quotes on the Indian selectors

5. Your lap top. It looks so cool to see the coach staring at a lap top while the team plays. It gives you an edge. The opposing team gets tense. Who cares if you’re playing solitaire ?

6. Your calm temperament, which your brother claims you have.

As i press publish, I can’t think of much more. If I do, I will add to this list. I will be away from this computer for a few days but when I’m back, I’ll definitely have more things for you. Don’t pack just yet.

Do your yoga in the meanwhile.

After all, as the media reports: Indian cricket is a pressure-cooker world, and the South African can expect to have his performance analysed by the country’s cricket-obsessed media with all the scrutiny of a nit nurse with a fine-toothed comb.It’s all here

Meditate. Or wait – better still, take up a new sport. Golf is very popular with ex cricketers. Try that. Try something. You’re going to need it.

Warm Regards,

The anti cricketer

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Filed under Gary Kirsten, My other half, women against cricket

CRICKET CRACKPOT : THE SAGA CONTINUES

 

 

 

This is just prior to the World Cup… For more pics, check here.

India went on to lose to Bangladesh…and then to Sri Lanka. But we won against Bermuda !! No easy task that.

But this cricket fanatic. he knew a thing or too. He knew that once India lost, he wouldn’t have to go about looking for posters of the other pin up posers. All he’d need to do is dismantle this wonderful kite and set it on fire. The mercurial temperament of the Indian cricket fan !!!

And yet another long drawn out match ends in a, well – draw!  Imagine the hours wasted watching this frivolous sport only to have it end so lamely. I do not see the point of this. My other half spent the entire weekend glued to the TV and he can still speak of the outcome in even tones !

And Gary Kirsten is made coach of India. So now there’s yet another sucker for the job. Yet another guy who’ll have to face the music. I’m not surprised he says this is going to be one of his most challenging jobs ever. You’re coaching an average team run by a group of flakes supported by millions of lunatics and underwritten by several well meaning but deluded companies. Whew ! What a task. So in another two years, can we expect a Guru Gary video ???

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Filed under cricket, Gary Kirsten, My other half, Uncategorized, yet another no outcome game